Harry, Buffy, and the Forces of Evil
by only in amsterdam
Summary: Albus Dumbledore suddenly doubts that Harry Potter will be able to beat the infamous Lord Voldemort. If Harry fails, Voldemort will condemn all living creatures on Earth to Hell. Therefore, he sends for the Slayer born into this generation...
1. Albus Forms the Master Plan

Disclaimer: I don't have anything patented. 

"Umm... hello. Hello and welcome to this next year at Hogwarts. Perhaps this year it will be less tragedy filled..." Albus croaked, waving his arms like a lunatic. He was tired. He had spent the night trying to keep Severus Snape from committing suicide and had gotten no sleep. He was ready to perform _"Avada Kedavra"_ on the annoying little first year who wouldn't fucking stop his annoyingly high pitched cough.

Snape, on the other hand, was sitting at his spot on the faculty table looking particularly smug, as being complimented by Albus Dumbledore for 12 hours straight on looks and intelligence will leave a person next on death row laughing and giggling and wringing their hands with delight.

Albus made up some bullshit off the top of his head in a melodic tune comparing the wonders of Hogwarts to the croak of a bullfrog and the egg of a dragon. He noticed the Potter boy singing loudly to this really pathetic excuse for a song, his eyes closed and his mouth open. _Stupid Potter. What the fuck is he doing?_Albus thought. Harry openned his eyes and looked at Albus and gave a pathetic little smile as if to say "Thank you for always being there for me, Headmaster."

Albus hid his grimace and winked at Harry. Even though he was going into his seventh year, Harry looked like a scrawny retard as he always did. He couldn't believe that this child held the future of their entire world. What he didn't tell Harry was that if Voldemort were to defeat him, he would open up the mouth of all hells and condemn everyone to them. Harry had approximately fifteen days to live before his and Voldemort's fate were put on line with one another.

What Albus really needed was a Slayer... a Vampire Slayer with the strength to fight the vampires, demons, and forces of **evil**.


	2. Telephone Calling is not for the Weary

Buffy swaggered over to the bartender and plopped herself on top of the counter. She looked at him with the biggest eyes she could muster and gave a soft smile. _Uhhhhh_ she thought as she said "Howdy, stranga'" to the poor bartender.

The bartender looked at her weirdly and shook his head. He hesitantly said "Maybe you need to go home." _Why the hell do I do this job?_, he asked himself as he watched this really drunken girl act like a lunatic.

"One moa on the house', big guy... " Buffy slurred, rolling off the counter.

The bartender ignored her and started taking the order of a middle aged british man with a popping vein and glasses. "Um, hello... you wouldn't have seen a young girl with blond hair around these... parts?" he stuttered.

"Look down." the bartender said. The man looked down and saw Buffy rolling along on the floor muttering to herself. He said "Oh, there you are, Buffy. Come along now." and with the help of a young pale man with platinum blonde hair and another young pale man with dark brown hair and a low forehead, they carried her kicking and screaming out of the restaurant with a redhaired girl following them.

Buffy sat in the back of a station wagon talking about how hot the bartender was when Giles, Spike, Angel, and Willow all sitting there rolling their eyes at her. Suddenly, Buffy's cellphone rang.

"Hullo? I am Buffy Summers... how are you?" Buffy burped loudly into the phone.  
"Hello? is this the Slayer?" said an old British voice on the other line.

"Oh, hey baby, its you. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if you hadn't--." Buffy slurred.

"Pardon me?" said the voice

"Sometimes... you and me, naked, together. I just can't forget what happenned that time. Then you got all crazy on me and I was just like 'Hey, come on, man, chill'"

"I don't recall..." the voice finally said.

Meanwhile, the car had stopped at a stop sign and hadn't started again because everyone were silently listenning to Buffy horrified as she talked to this probably very important person on the phone. Angel gritted his teeth and grabbed the phone just as Buffy was saying "No, no this is _so _the Slayer. Why did you tell me that thing when we were there?"

He said into the phone "I'm sorry, the Slayer is apparently incapacitated at the moment. May I ask who's calling?"

"Oh, hello. My name is Albus Dumbledore and I need the Slayer to help me with a grave problem concerning Lord Voldemort."

Angel was about to say "Ohh, the evil sorcerer. He's killed like thousands and thousands of people. The shit he does is not sweet.Yeah, he's totally a bad guy. You better watch out for him." when Buffy grabbed the phone and said loudly into it "I know your mom", and then she proceeded to vomit all over the shoes of Angel and Willow.

Willow grabbed the phone and said into it "Buffy will get back to you when she is not dr-- uh, when she is herself." and then pressed **End** while wiping her vomit covered shoes on Buffy's leather jacket.

Albus Dumbledore looked at the phone as it started buzzing. _What the fuck is going on with this fucking muggle device? _Albus thought as he looked at the phone in confusion and anger. He had tried calling the Slayer and had apparently reached her while she was completely wasted. He then had talked to what sounded like a completely stoned surfer dude who had called Lord Voldemort "totally a bad guy." and had said that the "shit " that Voldemort did was not "sweet"Then, suddenly, he had been told that this Buffy Slayer girl would call her when she was not completely drunk.

_Ridiculous muggles. They all should die_, Albus thought. He stepped out of the London phone booth in bright purple robes. People gave him weird looks. He took out his wand and roared "Unomemorium" and suddenly everyone on the street started rubbing their eyes, and when they openned them, Albus had dissapparated.

However, what Albus did not realize when he dissapparated was that a nervous small and balding man with a silver glove on was hiding in the bushes, watching Dumbledore's every move. Stupid Dumbledore!


End file.
